Whatever

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FEAR FEAR FEAR fear fear fear Fear FEAR FEAR fearrrrrrrr

Love is better. I will learn how to love. How to love my hands, my feet, my night gown and the pillow I am sitting on. And this obscure bathroom which I occupy instead of some decent room. I prefer that, it is smaller and I can concentrate.

I am an artist. Believe me. I have a soul. Sometimes it just doesn’t work. My work is to activate it. To explore it. To feel it. To understand. It MUST be alive. Otherwise there is coldness and indifference. Well, I was never a big fan of love, but now, after years of thinking, I see there is no other way. Even if your love is stupid or it is a love for something stupid. Like for the pattern on your night dress.

Colors. I am going to slowly replace most of my blacks and grays for colors. That’s what I need now. I need some life, even if it’s stupid and doesn’t make any sense. Well, I just cannot go like that any longer. Even if it is sugary and not intelligent enough. Even if it doesn’t fit me. Love, that’s ridiculous. Pathetic. Let’s laugh together. Hatred and complain it’s much smarter. I AM really thinking that. That’s my life script. You know that nothing good is gonna happen so it’s better not to be a pathetic fool. It’s better to sit and contemplate. Or criticize. And be like a wasteland. I am really thinking that. Well, it makes me sick already. There is a cottonwool in my head. A lot of cottonwool. And pain in my body, all over. Neck, the whole spine.

Spirituality- I got a fresh interest in it – although I DO KNOW it’s stupid- it’s an activity for stupid women and haunted men. Weak people with no merit. Not intelligent enough. It’s really what I think, I am not mocking anybody as you might think. I am deadly serious. But I am sick of my seriousness. I DO NOT LIKE IT.

I guess we are all like that, us, intellectuals. Or maybe not. Maybe it’s my family or maybe it’s me or…I cannot write anymore… the sound from this fucking, terrible pipes in this bathroom are riding through my brain. And my neck.

Yes, I am a wreck, freaking, unsympathetic neurasthenic. I dislike myself but I have a reason. This persona which possesses me sometimes – like today for example – reminds me of some grumpy, old man. Book smart. With a mocking smile on his cold, rectangular face. I dislike him. He is such a smart ass. Completely without a heart and juice. And he dislikes flowers.

Mood swing, quiting smoking and Jane Fonda

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It’s 11:00PM and I am having a mood swing. Yes, in the wrong direction, but I will manage without whining about it. Got up pretty early today, around noon actually, but well, it’s Sunday so shut up!:)

I got a book by Jane Fonda “Prime Time” and have spent most of my today’s prime time reading it. There is something about this book what exhausts me emotionally. By the way, I finished that one about writing the tv pilot and got some good ideas from there.

I bought this book of Fonda because I want to start living a little healthier before I get too old.

I want to quit smoking , start dancing again and start really exercising. Before I get too old. And I am not going to be a weakling about it anymore.

I need my POWER back or I will DIE!

OK, I am getting a little hysterical here, but well, I am bipolar, got it? Right.

Wish me luck.

PS: Tomorrow I will write about a ghost’s voice – just a childhood memory I would like to investigate…not that I believe in ghosts or anything like that,…I am not schizophrenic – yet!:))

Oh, those freaking cigarettes…

Very Productive Day, believe me

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Hello you,

OK, so I didn’t sleep well today, but that’s alright, I am used to it. I went to sleep at maybe 4Am, and got up at 5:00Pm, not that bad I am telling you, it was still bright outside! Anyways, I am changing my life slowly, because I am great, and don’t you even dare thinking that I am not!;) Although, my day wasn’t at all that productive.

But I managed to do something:

I painted my nails gold

I had a bagel ( I am becoming really American)

OK, now I am exhausted!

Oh, and I watched a few fragments of AMERICAN PSYCHO on youtube; it is funny, but actually gives me the creeps, cause it really reminds me of something….someone….actually quite a few….anyways, it’s definitely not me, so don’t be scaaared!

What did you do today?

Right now I am going to finish this book I started reading yesterday – a book on writing for television ( not that I am really serious about that, but this books has a calming effect on my brain and I have no idea why???) – anyways, the book is called ” Writing the Pilot” and it’s quite interesting although I think this guy who wrote this has a little different taste than me…but, I think I might start watching TV again!

How is your bipolar disorder doing, cause everybody got one or at least everybody can deserve it:)

PS: I actually thought about joining CIA few days ago – how crazy is that?:)

Bye!

Night Night Night again….

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I found an interesting page and books about psychosis as being in the dreaming state. That’s how exactly it is in my opinion. This line of thought is in complete alignment with my thinking about it. I was trying to find a therapist like that here in New York, but as I see, New York prefers to just feed you with drugs. Whatever. Anyway, here is the link to their Institute.

http://www.hgi.org.uk/institute.htm.

I also wanted to buy this book:

http://www.humangivens.com/publications/dreaming-reality.html

but it’s freaking expensive and I already bought today a book of Jung ” Synchronicity: An Acausal Connecting Principle” and  I cannot get too manic with buying books ( that’s my only predicament in the shopping department). I bought this book in order to to add some depth to my script and not to chase some crazy coincidences everywhere, as you might think about a psycho like me 🙂 – by the way, I wrote around 7 pages today.

I think it’s all what I wanted to say. The whole Manhattan is asleep. It’s 1:30 AM. I woke up one hour ago. Please forgive me.

So, do you know what I am talking about?

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Helloooo!

How do you feel today? Because my mood is jumping, but I know how to control it. I know it is just a mood.

Bipolar is not that bad if you know what it is. You should approach it, just like it approaches you – from one side deadly serious and from other side- don’t treat it seriously at all! Really, you just need to learn how to navigate it and how to jump from the stone to another stone, – just before you get immersed in the mud. Do you remember the movie “Never Ending Story” – when the horse has lost his faith and the mud dragged him in and then he died? I was 7 years old when I’ve seen it and I was obsessed with this for a long time. I remember my elementary school friend, who was more financially advanced than me – and who had a tape recorder and somehow she managed to have this Limahl song. I was often visiting her just to listen to this scream of Atreyu… it is really something to hear, that scream…So, if you don’t want to end like this poor horse for whom I’ve lost tons of tears…remember..have faith…you can cross this mud….

Let’s look at myself with an objective eye. I see it now.

– I am unstable both in work, self image and love (it goes hand in hand)

– I am immature

– I get discouraged easily

– I get distracted easily

– I change my mind too quickly and often can’t make a decision

– I am disorganized

– I am fearful

– I am unrealistic

– I am wasting time

And now i want to say something positive about myself and I get stuck for some unknown reason…What is the reason? But I am not terribly depressed now. I actually feel pretty good, but it is so hard to trust me. It is really hard for me to trust myself. I betrayed myself so many times, it is nauseating. I would like to be stable. I would like to be real.

What meds are you taking? I am taking only DEPAKOTE now,  500 MG at the morning and 500MG at the evening, – if you can really tell what is morning and evening in my life. As I said, i am very unstable, so you never know what is the daytime and what is the nighttime for me.

Lets try to write something good about myself:

– I have a good heart

– I am sensitive

– I like people

– I can finish a project

– I can start a project

OK, I feel that I am falling. I started to write a TV series two days ago and now I don’t know if I want to write it anymore. What for? Who would like it? What’s the use? I got stuck. I feel like going to sleep, but if I go to sleep now, I will wake up at the evening, I cannot break this vicious circle. I would like to find some part-time job, but I don’t know what kind of job. I’ve spend most of my life on acting, chasing acting, doing theatre, studying, dreaming, being sick, being in love,  etc, etc. I cannot fix cars and cannot sit in the office. I am finished. The only thing I can do is writing. Fucking my mind! I would like to be somebody else, somebody else I would like to be! For example, I could start doing stuff which is against my current nature – for instance, I could be so bold to go to the park, for a morning walk. That would be something really outrageous. That would be a completely different state of mind. But i know myself and I know my vicious nature – this devil inside of me- I will not go to the park, although the park is so close  – instead I will go outside to have a smoke and be even more pissed of depressed afterwards. What do you think I will do? Because I have no idea. Lets fucking help each other. Is there any hope?

You will not believe that. I actually went to the park. I went there in the lovely company of my depression. But of course I had a smoke on my way there. The walk was short, not longer than 10 minutes, maybe 15. I sat on the bench and I was watching people running and biking. How come everybody is so healthy and normal? I hate running but I would like to bike. There are many things I would like to do, but I am weak.

I met this guy who always greets me in Russian ” Zdrastvujte moja dorogaya, ocien krasivaya”, but I don’t feel pretty anymore. He is a funny, nice guy from Israel. Now, I don’t know what to do with the rest of this day. Although, I feel better after this short walk. If I only could stop with those cigarettes…If I could only relax and have faith that something good is still ahead of me…I would be saved.

I don’t want to live on the dark side. I want to live in another world. I want to live in a jungle. I want to cross the bridge. I need to be happy.